Prickly Hair

¹⁷Though the fig
tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.
Habakkuk 3:7-19

The other night Jane and I were sitting on the love seat. This was just a day after her infusion and she was feeling tired. As we sat there she leaned up against me and put her head on my chest.

Sitting there with her thinning, prickly hair against my cheek, tears started to well up in me. Not because of the loss of hair, not because it was irritating to my cheek, but because it was a clear and present reminder of cancer and all that implies.

I find that I’m perfectly capable of self-deception. Long stretches can go by when I don’t think about the reality of our situation. I distract myself with work, books, TV, or church activities, and I happily embrace the distractions.

Over the last few years I have discovered how much I have lived life wanting Jane’s approval. If she thinks something is a good idea – so do I. Much of my faith, hope, and desire has rested on her. Not all of this has been fully conscious, or overt, but it has laid there in the dark. I discovered it when I started to think about losing her. Maybe you can’t relate to the particulars of my story, but there are lots of other places that people put their hope. Money, power, sex, promotions, recognition, politics, systems of governance, and a thousand other places. Think about what you hope in and what would happen in your heart if it was lost.

This is where Habakkuk reminds me of where my hope needs to lie. God is my only reliable hope, my only rock I can depend on when life is failing all around me.

I would love to say I have learned this and it’s not a lesson I find myself re-visiting. But that is not the case. I find my inclination is to put my hope and trust in things that have immediate payoff for me. This is where God’s beautiful grace and kindness is evident. When my eye wanders from Him, he calls me back, gently showing me my misplaced loves and desires.

So I am grateful for prickly hair and a wife who is tired. Through it God has shown me (again) life will fail me, but he will not.