Round 3 Thoughts

Day One to Day Six of this round of chemo was a bit more difficult. I spent Sunday, Day 4, sleeping in the love seat from 3pm to 10pm and then going upstairs to sleep the entire night. Sunday evening around 5pm there was also another call to the on-call oncologist since I had a 100.6 fever. This round of chemo included a shot to keep my white count up so that hopefully I won’t end up in the hospital again. It was probably that shot that caused the fever. The oncologist said take some tylenol and call us in the morning :-) My fever was gone on Monday.

I’ve found myself wondering about why I’m doing chemo since there is no guarantee that this will “cure” my cancer or “kill” all the rogue cells. The data just says that those who do chemo end up with longer lives; better survival rates. I want a guarantee of physical healing. Not a bad desire but not a right that I can demand either. In the ministry I’m a part of at church we talk about the redemption that God promises us as we walk in relationship with him. We talk about the pictures of redemption that we paint for God to bring about for us and the frustration this causes because God is God and he paints the picture. A dear friend helped me see yesterday that I’m painting what redemption in my cancer looks like — physical healing. That might not be the picture God is painting. Am I willing to have faith that God is good and whatever picture he paints will be glorious?

Someone sent me a plaque this week that simply says, “faith”. I’m here again. Will I have faith that God is trustworthy, good, loving, in control no matter the outcome of chemo? Will I take the medicine in faith and leave the result to my loving Father God? Will I look to things eternal and not to things that pass away like physical strength? Will I let God write the story of my life and stop striving to write my own story? He offers me rest, will I accept it in faith?

Hebrews chapter 11 is the great chapter on faith. It recounts many of the Bible’s notable characters and their journey of faith. Here are a few verses from the chapter.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
For by it (faith) the people of old received their commendation.
By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.
And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
For he (one of those notable characters) was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.
These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.
But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

Part of my longing for physical healing is this longing for the city of God. We all know that things are not as they ought to be. Our physical weaknesses tell us that. The evening news tells us that. Our longing tells us there is a city whose founder is God. We long to be with him where things are as they ought to be. He has made the way through Jesus.

May God grant us faith as we wait for the city he has prepared for us,

jane